When they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, i said ‘perfect’.

I keep getting questions…’why was your first post so sad?’

Well, I did not intend it to be sad, just honest. We have all been through things right?  When I had my fourth child I got a lot of attention from the women in my life. I heard things like ‘you’re so strong!’ and ‘how do you do it!?’ I had never felt strong, I still don’t feel strong, and I don’t even feel most of the time like I’m ‘doing it’ so I really can’t explain how I do it…whatever it is.

Getting compliments is great.  It makes a person feel good.  But, hearing things like that made me feel strange, like I then couldn’t admit when I was struggling, or the fact that I felt weak and incapable a lot of the time.  I ended up feeling a little closed off, like I couldn’t show the ‘real’ me, because I didn’t want to disappoint the people who seemed to think highly of me.  That lead to me being a lot more reserved in other areas of my life as well.  I have always been an outgoing person, I’ve always enjoyed art and writing.  All of those parts of my life and identity suffered, as did a lot of my relationships.

Even though I am an extroverted person, I don’t have any siblings, so I am used to keeping to myself in most cases, or dealing with things alone, is what I should say. I just didn’t know how to ask for help.  I didn’t know how to say that I just needed to talk, or vent, or yell.  I felt guilty for being stressed out.  Aren’t I supposed to be loving every second of this mom gig?  Whether we realize it or not, when we decide to live in a way that is not being true to who we really are, we’re lying. I was lying.

Being this concerned with the way I looked to other people carried over into every area.  I became too fearful to cut my fabric “what if I mess it up?”  I couldn’t write.  How does a person write openly and honestly when they have a hard time even admitting what their true feelings are?  I had always wanted to start a blog, other than just posting notes on Facebook, but I was even too worried about how that would be received to actually do it. I was sure that as soon as I started one I’d get comments like “BOO! You call that writing!?” or “What a bunch of crap! You’re no writer! Someone take away her PC!”. No matter what the project at hand was, I was so overcome with feeling that it had to be perfect that I was scared to even get it started.

So my first post was a little gloomy, but I was telling a story that was hard for me to tell on purpose.  I want other women to know that someone else has been there and has the battle scars to show for it.  And has even grown because of it.  In posting the first blog I was overcoming what had been an obstacle for me as well.  I am not aiming to be perfect or a professional writer. This is about connecting with that part of me that I lost while trying so hard to look like the perfect mom, and connecting with other people who are passionate about creativity as well.

I read that when you start a blog you need to write about what it is that you are passionate about. Well I am passionate about writing, communicating, God, love, life, art, relationships… There is so much really.  Those are the things that lift me up when I start to slip into my perfectionist tendencies, they bring me back to the reality that life is good, happy kids are loud, God is Love, and no one is ever remembered for being good at doing the dishes.

Thanks for reading- Emily